Remembering the Ashes
by the ticking clock
Summary: "Now all Will had left was himself, the institute, and his memories. Memories of laughter and tears, memories of blood and silver powder, memories of the ashes, ashes of the person he had once been."A series of one shots focused on our favorite parabatai
1. Chapter 1

**1.**Sometimes it is to much to bear, the memories suffocating. He can't bear to speak about it, but Jem understands. He simply comes and wraps his arms around will in an a gentle embrace and holds him, just holds him, while Will struggles to suppress the memories, to banish the laughing darkness that fights to control his thoughts, and to find the Will Herondale of his past, the one who was sweet and kind and caring...

The one who would have never, ever let his friends down.

**2.**One day, as they are training, there is an odd look in Will's eyes, and for an instant, for a single instant, the hard shell he has built around himself cracks, and he allows Jem to see into his soul.

**3.**Jem is not scared of death. He has faced in multiple times, both in battle, and attacks from his illness. No, after weeks of torture and pain, years of slow agony and attacks, a lifetime of Shadowhunter training, he is not afraid to die.

What frightens him so much is what is going to happen to Will once he's gone.

**4.**As the light leaves Jem's pale silver eyes, and the hand gripping Will's goes slack, the world seems to end for a moment, and everything is perfectly still in silent, frozen in a feeling of disbelief, of unreality.

And then the night is shattered by Will's scream.

**5.**It was only Jem who could calm Will down, only Jem who could tame the wild mood swings and outbursts, only Jem who came as close to understanding Will as you could get. But if there was anything Tessa had learned in the years she had known the parabati, it was that no one, not even Jem, understood Will, and no one had loved him the way Jem did, and no one ever could accept Will for simply the broken boy he was, accept his own parabati, the quiet, gentle, silver-haired boy who was willing to shoulder his friend's challenges, even when he was already knocking on death's door.

**6.**Will had always said he didn't care, that his greatest wish was to not love anything, to hate the world with all his heart, and face whatever hell he had to in the afterlife. It was only when Tessa watched Will care for Jem, when she watched him gently wipe the blood from his parabati's clothes, and sing a soft song in Chinese to his sleeping friend, that she knew Will did care. He cared probably more than he wanted to, when it came to his parabati.

**7.**The two of them were not alike at all, complete opposites; gentle and fierce, calm and wild, pale and dark, but when it came to protecting each other, they were exactly alike. They would die for each other, and that friendship was the thing that held their world together, that kept them from falling apart, even when life seems to cruel to live anymore.

**8.**Even though Will knows his time with his best friend is limited, even though he knows they only have a few short months left togather, as he watches Jem throw back his head and laugh, a look of pure, limitless joy on his face, his silver hair gleaming like polished silver in the sunlight, it seems like they have forever, that Jem is healthy and strong, and they have a lifetime of friendship stretching out before them. It is only when Jem starts to cough that Will is forced back into the cold reality of his best friend's impending death, and puts a hand on Jem's shoulder, supporting him, and remebering that for now, he still has Jem.

It is only later when he looks back on that day, that he realizes just how precious those moments are, because you never really know when those blissful moments are going to dive into the terrifying nightmare of pain and sorrow.

Which is why, even if it is just for a moment, he allows himself to laugh too.


	2. Chapter 2

9. Fire.

the heat of the relentless fever pounded through his body with the force of a wrecking ball, sending prickles of electricity racing through his nerves, pain lacing across his chest with each ragged breath, and sweat that drenched his all ready blood-stained hair.

He drifted in and out of consciousness, not sure what was an illusion or the reality his half-closed eyes saw. It was always like this after an attack. First came the weakness, than the coughing, than the blood, and then the fever. The high, spiking fever that left him as drained as an empty glass of water.

was this what dying...truly dying, felt like?

he was to exhausted to be afraid, to weak to force his lips to whisper the name...his mind to numb with pain to form a choreant thought. so he drifted...

sometimes, he thought he could hear his mother's voice, singing a soft lullaby, or Tessa's gentle laughter, or the sound of Will's deep, soothing voice that always called him back to reality. _James...Jem...Jem...Jem...Jem...keep__ breathing, __keep __breathing...fight __it __Jem!__ Jem..._

_...Jem..._

"Jem?"

The fever was less now, but the aching exhaustion was still there, locking him down in iron chains. He blinked, parched lips parting, sucking cold air through them and down his throat, into his lungs. for the first time in what felt like an age, he breathed deeply.

A hand slipped into his, the grip strong, firm, but also gentle.

Jem forced his eyes to open a fraction of an inch.

Will was standing next to him, his face twisted with worry, unshed tears gleaming in his eyes. He looked as lost and frightened as a child, a vulnerability that he so rarely displayed except for moments like this...when an attack had nearly killed Jem. Will's fingers closed around his in a squeeze, a questioning touch. _are __you __all __right?_

He wasn't all right. He was sick and in pain...he was dying. but because this was Will, and Jem knew the real question he had been asking was, _are __you __going __to __fight? __survive? _Jem closed his eyes, and gripped his parabati's hand tighter, as a single tear slipped down his cheek.

_yes,_his touch answered. _for__ a __little __while._

And the last thing Jem felt before the fever sucked him back under, was Will's hand tightening around his own.

10. "_will!"_

He was to slow, he knew it even as he whirled to see the demon bearing down upon him. he half-raised his arm, and clenched his eyes shut, preparing to die-

the demon exploded.

ash and dust rained down on Will as it disintegrated, showering him with ichor and guts. He grimaced in disgust and looked up to see Jem whirling past him, locked in combat with another demon. His parabati grinned and shouted over his shoulder, "don't you ever look behind you?"

Will grinned at his friend and spun around, catching a howling demon across the chest. "I don't need too when you guard my back!"

11. "I don't think you understand."

Tessa glared at him. She knew her cheeks were flushed a brilliant red, and try though she might, she could not stop her hands from shaking. "WHAT don't I understand? Jem, we have to leave! now!"

Calm as ever, Jem knelt on the bloodstained ground and pulled out his stele. "Then go."

Magnus sidled over to them, his cat like eyes burning in the light of the flickering fires. "She is right, shadowhunter," He said. "It is not safe to stay here, especially for you."

Jem pulled up the bloody and torn sleeve of Will's jacket and began to draw an iratze on his friend's wounds. "Don't worry about me." He glanced up at them then, and Tessa could see an emotion gleaming in his bright silver eyes. Was it fear? anger? love? "Magnus, if you must go, then take Tessa and get out of here."

"What about you?" Tessa demanded furiously.

Jem returned his attention to Will. "We'll catch up."

"catch up?" Magnus exclaimed incridously. "James-"

Jem's head shot up, and Tessa saw real anger on his face. It was frightening to see his normally calm and peaceful face with such an ugly expression.

He yanked back the cuff of his jacket, bearing his pale chest. his skin was inked all over with black Runes, but one Mark, just above his heart, burned blacker than all of them. "Do you think _parabati_is simply a phrase? a nice description of two brothers?"

His eyes bored into Tessa's with almost frightening intensity, and somehow she knew that he wasn't just try to get her to understand him, he was trying to get her to understand Will as well.

The anger died, and Jem's eyes cooled to their usual liquid silver. His face was almost sad as he looked at Tessa. "I told you that you didn't understand."

Magnus gripped her arm. "Miss Grey..." The urgency in his voice was unmistakable.

She sighed and bent to pull Jem into a quick embrace. "Be careful."

"I will."

She spun and her heel and fled the burning battle scene, leaving Jem kneeling alone among the bodies, bent over his parabati, healing his wounds and crooning a quiet song in Chinese that she didn't know the words too, but could guess the meaning: _You__'__re__ not __alone_

12. Will's eyes slowly flickered open. He squinted for a moment, struggling to see as the bright light pierced his irises. Was he dead? "Cecily?" He breathed.

"No, William."

He would know that voice anywhere. "James?"

Jem's face appeared in his line of vision. With the brilliant light blazing like the sun behind him, his friend appeared to be glowing, his pallor and bright hair only adding to the affect.

Was this heaven? Funny, Will had always thought that when he died, he would have gone to hell...surely he had done to many sins to be forgiven, but Jem, pure, good Jem could not be in the eternal fires...

Now he was confused.

"Jem?" He breathed. "am I dead?"

Jem laughed softly. "No, you fool." he squeezed Will's hand, his fingers as soft and light as the brush of a feather. "How do you feel?"

Will though about it. "Confused."

Jem grinned leaning forward onto his elbows. "Will. You are not dead. You are in the infirmary. You lost so much blood...we weren't sure you were going to survive...but you did."

Will knit his eyebrows together. He did not remember what had happened exactly...only the burning, agonizing pain..."James...what happened?" He tried to push himself into a sitting position, then cried out as white hot flames seemed to slash across his chest, like the gleam of a burning blade.

Jem's hands went instantly to his shoulders, pushing Will flat again. "Slowly...Will...Breathe..."

They were the same words Will so often spoke to Jem, and he nodded, closing his eyes. "What happened?"

"You saved me." Jem said quietly. "I was weak, and to slow to react, you jumped in front of me, and..."

"Well, this certainly wasn't the first time." Will said lightly, trying to ease the sudden tension. Grief was not an emotion he could deal with, now, or ever.

Jem smiled. "of course, Gabriel was all for leaving your bloody corpse-"

Will swore. "That little-"

Jem raised an eyebrow. "Well, you seem to be feeling more normal."

"Oh, I am!" Will exclaimed, sitting up and pressing a hand to his chest as though this would ease the pain. "Ready to get drunk and start some fights."

Jem only rolled his eyes and pushed him back down. "Go back to sleep you fool."


	3. Chapter 3

**13. **Will knew the instant he woke that something was wrong.

His heart was pounding in his chest, and the rune just above his heart, was beginning to burn.

_Jem._

For an instant, he was to frightened to move, but then he was out of bed and sprinting down the hall to his parabatai's room, heedless of the stinging cold floor on his bare feet, or the noise he was probably making.

He crashed into Jem's room and pulled up short. Jem's beloved violin was sitting in it's case, untouched. His dragon head cane was resting lightly against the wall, his drugs were in their box, untouched, and Jem himself was curled up in his bed.

Will hesitantly approached his parabatai, and touched him lightly on the shoulder. "James?"

Jem did not move, but a light shudder passed through him, and his shoulders heaved under Will's hand as a violent cough convulsed his body.

In a flash of movement, Will had his arms around Jem and was lifting him upright, holding him as he would a child. Jem was so light, so weak and limp in his arms, that Will felt his eyes burn with tears. He wiped blood from Jem's chin and stared into his brother's face. Jem's eyes were flat, silver mirrors, his face as pale as the sheets, except for two brilliant patches of red on his cheeks. Will could feel the heat of the fever through Jem's clothes.

"James?" His voice caught on the name, and he blinked hard, pushing the tears back.

Jem shuddered again, and doubled over, his coughing fit so violent that all Will could do for a moment was hold him, and watch the brilliant red stain the sheets. When Jem could breathe again, Will gripped him by the shoulders, hard. "You swore," He said fiercely, "You swore you wouldn't go where I could not come with you."

Jem started to shake his head, but WIll, suddenly overcome with emotion, pulled his parabatai into a rough embrace, cradling Jem's bloodstained head against his shoulder, and burying his face into Jem's sweat-soaked shirt, staining it even more with salt water. "Please," Will whispered, his voice raw, tight with emotion. "Don't go where I can't follow...we swore..."

Jem drew in a shaky breath, and in a voice so quiet Will had to strain to hear him, said gently. "Until death, William."

Will pulled away and shook his head, his eyes to blurred with tears to see his brother's face. "No," He whispered.

Jem touched Will's shoulder gently, his fingers trembling, with weakness or emotion, Will could not tell. "You'll always be my brother, Will." Jem breathed, and Will was sure he caught the strain in his voice as he held back tears, "not even death will change that."

**14. **Even after so many years, Magnus could never forget them. He tried not to think about them, but when he saw the beautiful boy, the boy with jet black hair and piercing blue eyes, all the memories came pouring back.

Will, dripping rain water on Camille's rug, begging Magnus for help...

The raw agony on Will's face as he leaped to his feet, "Jem is dying."

How happy Will had looked, bleeding all over Camille's carpet, grinning up at Magnus with a demon tooth clutched tightly in his hand...

The way Jem had always smiled at Will, with a look of such affection and love in his eyes that it had made Magnus's heart hurt, because they all knew this beautiful boy was going to die, and then where would Will be?

Will's wild, hysteric sobs as he pounded on Magnus's door, Magnus's shook as he pulled the door open and saw the Shadowhunter, covered in blood, face twisted in agony, and the way he had crumpled forward into the warlock's arms as he spoke the two words, "Jem's dead."

"Magnus?"

He turned and blinked. Tessa was standing behind him, her long brown hair falling in a waterfall across her shoulders, her bright gray eyes locked on his face. It was odd to see her here, in the wild club full of werewolves and drunk mundanes, shadowhunters and faeries. Even now, whenever he pictured Tessa, he saw her curled up with Jem, a book in her hand. "Tessa."

she smiled at him, and for a moment, she looked as if over a hundred years had not passed, she looked like the sixteen year old, high spirited girl he had first seen her as. "Are you all right?"

He nodded. "But of course, my dear." He took her arm and marched her away before she could look at the beautiful Shadowhunter boy, before the painful memories could haunt her too. "would you care to dance?"

**15. **The clang of swords echoed throughout the circular room, and Jem ducked as Will's blade swung over his head. "Really, Will!" He laughed. "I thought you said you'd been training!"

Will grinned at him and leaped up, flicking his wrist so his sword arched towards Jem's ribs. "I have!"

The other boy laughed and stepped backward, lifting his arm easily to block the blow. "Have you really?"

Will opened his eyes, the memory vanishing like the mist that rose off the Thames. He shivered. Jem's eyes had still been black then, and that was the first day Will had ever heard him laugh. Will clenched his hand over the top of Jem's dragon-headed cane, tracing the spikes on the dragon's head, and stared out into the rolling river. This was Jem's favorite place in London, and being her made him feel closer to his parabatai. It had been two years, and still not a day went by that he did not think of Jem, that he did not wish that things had been different, that he regretted not saving his brother. He closed his eyes, and allowed a single tear to escape, to slip down his face. "I miss you," He whispered, and could almost hear the sound of Jem's soft laughter, his voice, _Oh__Will..._

Now all Will had left was himself, the institute, and his memories. Memories of laughter and tears, memories of blood and silver powder, memories of the ashes, ashes of the person he had once been. Will curled his hands into fists. Remembering the ashes might be painful, but it was all he knew to do. It was the only thing keeping him alive.


End file.
